i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
