It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Enjoy the penises
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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