I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
