He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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