I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
