Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
