Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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