Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
