What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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