wakey wakey hands off snakey
she woke up with a sticky ear
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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