Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
