Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
