I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
