I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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