her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
