So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
