I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Randomize
