why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
