hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
