I wish I could teleport
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
