Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
