I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
