I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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