I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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