i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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