Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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