I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
