I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
