you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
