I hate your face
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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