i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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