Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
