just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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