He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
