I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
