I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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