You're so nebulous sometimes
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
