I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
