i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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