She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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