I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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