i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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