just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
