i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
