Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
