My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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