Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
