It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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