im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
