11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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