Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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